© 2003 by Brodiss. All rights reserved.
Lee and I stood in silence, side by side – clad in our grief and our anger. Strange, it had not been in even my wildest of dreams that we two would ever stand united in even the most obscure of circumstance and yet, yet here we were – seemingly locked in a brief, cutting shard of time which bit deeply into our very core of being. The bland endless sounds of the everyday world flowed unceasingly around and over us but we paid them no heed: they had lost all sense of meaning for us and had become merely superfluous trimmings on the edges of what was supposed to be reality. Silently we raged against the injustice of a world which had unexpectedly revealed the bitter aspect of its nature to us. Though isolated by the overwhelming hurt of our sorrow, still there existed a subtle link between us as our abrupt affliction had manifested itself from the one source.
They dared to deny us our light. In the space of a tortured heartbeat we had discovered that our precious light was destined to shine in some other inaccessible realm and that we would henceforth be prevented from basking in the glory of its reassuring glow. No more would we experience those moments when we had been able to step back from the world and warm our souls in the vicinity of that brightly shining light. They dared to deny us our light! Such presumption on their part only served to intensify our rage into a burning hatred which threatened to engulf our souls and consume what fragments of tattered logic still remained lurking within.
Bleakness weighed heavily upon us in that crushing moment of loss as we realized that nothing could ever be as it had been. How could we hope for any relinquishment of our grief when all hope had been ripped from us and torn asunder. We stood and the world moved on without us – we had become detached from reality and trapped in our moment of mourning.
Lee spoke. In a harsh voice bittered by the devastation of grief, he commented harshly, "She betrayed us. How could she abandon us now?"
I made no response. In truth, I did not really register the fact that Lee had spoken: I was too far removed from any awareness of my surroundings. I was preoccupied – dwelling upon my memory of having to watch her walk away from me for the last time. In my mind’s eye I could so clearly see her again, tall and slim, long hair blowing in the pre-storm wind, striding determinedly into a new existence and leaving me behind – for all eternity. She may have just as well died in that moment. As I watched her leave, I knew I would never see her again – yes, there had been well-intentioned platitudes and assurances that this was not the end, that there would yet be times when we would encounter each other again, but I had recognized them for what they were and was well aware that they had been nothing more than an attempt to ease the severance of our mutual existence. But for whose sake had she indulged in such hollow statements? Was it an attempt to comfort herself? Or was it a well meaning attempt to provide me with a means to delude myself that the situation was not as tragic as my heart of hearts knew it was? But I recognized the moment of abandonment for what it was. Her walking up the gravel rise towards the road was just as final as if I had been sliding shut the heavy lid on her coffin; forever cutting her off from this tenuous reality.
Again, Lee spoke. "I loved her, you know," he stated in the same crumbling tones. "I really did love her."
This time I allowed his comments to drag me from my melancholy reverie. "I loved her too, in my own way," I admitted. "I have been told that, in moments of weakness, I care too much for people I know. Once again, I had proved them correct in their criticisms." I paused. I made an abrupt decision. Holding out my hand, so unlike her own slim, pale hands, I stated, "Come Lee, take my hand."
Startled by my unexplained instruction, Lee glanced at me suspiciously. "Why?" he demanded.
I shook my head slightly. "Just take my hand. I have something to show you." He still hesitated so I added, "Trust me."
Reluctantly he reached out and clasped my hand in his own; all the while examining my face with his cold blue eyes, looking for some sign of betrayal, or reassurance. Expressionlessly I nodded my approval of his decision and turned to walk beyond our current reality – an ability I had never before shared with anyone.
We walked. We walked along long grey hallways lit with an equally grey diffuse light. We walked for a time which seemed to last for hours. Wordlessly Lee followed me, clutching my hand tightly, unspoken questions clinging desperately to his lips. I said nothing further to reassure him as I was preoccupied with concentrating on successfully reaching our intended destination.
Finally our journey ended in front of a large door made from dark and gnarled ancient timbers. I released Lee’s hand from my crushing grip and stood in silence for a moment, reflecting upon what I knew to be waiting for us behind the door. Was I doing the right thing by bringing Lee here? Or had I somehow done him so unintended disservice? No matter, it was too late to turn away now.
Lee examined the door wonderingly and then me. "What is this place? Why are we here?" His voice was muffled by the gray of our surroundings.
Indicating the door, I explained, "This place contains all that ever was and all that should be. In this place which touches upon all realities, we all have rooms. This is the portal to her room."
Eyes narrowing, Lee queried suspiciously, "Have you been here before?"
"Many times," I admitted, "but I have never done anything more than this." With those words escaping my lips, I reached forward, grasped the heavy brass handle and swung the door open. Slowly, it opened to reveal the room lying beyond.
As we stood on the threshold of the dimly lit room, Lee asked, "If you have been here so many times, why have you never entered?"
I smiled a smile born of sorrow and regret, a sharp pain of anguish digging at my breast. "It is her room. She never let anyone beyond the entrance. It was not my place to violate that restriction."
"Then why are we here now?"
"She’s gone now. It is no longer of any real consequence." I paused again before saying softly, "I thought you would appreciate being brought here. This is my parting gift to you." Indicating the room, I instructed, "Go on, enter. It contains nothing more than memories now."
Hesitantly, Lee stepped into the room and gazed around at its contents and trappings, while I stood at my familiar place at the doorway and watched him. The room was dark, with heavy red velvet curtains and an elaborately carved four-poster bed piled high with cushions elegantly embroidered. Ancient tapestries covered the black stone of the walls and a fireplace containing a small fire provided the only light in the room. A multitude of unlit squat candles rested on numerous surfaces, fixed in place with pools of melted wax. On wall hung a large ankh cast from sterling silver and strange carvings lurked in the dark shadows which pooled along the walls. Yes, it was her room.
Moving across to idly finger one of the drapes, Lee looked at me and asked, "Aren’t you coming in?"
Shaking my head, I responded, "She’s gone. I see no purpose in entering now. But I thought that you would appreciate the opportunity to experience her special reality one last time."
Returning his gaze to the room surrounding him, Lee said, "Thank you."
Dismissing his gratitude with a brief gesticulation, I paused to take one last long look at that which I had come to treasure so dearly. "I will be leaving now. Good-bye Lee."
"But how will I get back?" Lee suddenly realized that I was intending to abandon him.
I could not prevent myself from smiling wryly at his sudden concern. "Don’t worry, it is not my intention that you be stranded here. If you wish to leave, you will find the way back to your world clear enough. Just remember that, once you do leave, you will never be able to return here." I turned to leave.
Lee had one last question for me. "But where are you going? I thought you’d want to stay too."
"No." I shook my head. "I have to go."
"But where?"
I smiled sadly at him, standing so forlornly amongst the slowly fading memories of one we both loved so intensely. "Nowhere. That is my fate." Without waiting for any further comments, I walked away from the room for the last time. I did not look back.
As I wandered through the endless gray of my surroundings, I took my grief and loss, so heavy and new, and shut them securely behind a door of my own making. Though the pain would always be there to nibble at some corner of my soul, I would continue to walk away from it, in the hope that one day I would be finally be free. Surely I could allow myself that one small hope.
Slowly the grey faded into black.